Dracula Vs the Sparkly Fairy
by Virtuous Vampire
Summary: Dracula's not so kind reaction to 'Twilight' and it's author. Now with CH.3 where the hunter and the friar hatch a deadly scheme! R&R!
1. Dracula vs the Sparkly Fairy

**Hello there! This is a humour fic commisioned under Roux Barcelone and Remember. The idea was theirs, although I was honoured with the gift of writing it! So sorry that it's taken this long to post it. I've been really busy. This hasn't been edited, so I hope there are no mistakes. I hope you guys find it funny! I'm not sure if it's any good...**

**Warning- Contains Twilight bashing. If you are a Twilight fan and/or Stephanie Meyer I offer my sincerest apologies. This was all written in good fun and I am not benifiting from it.**

**Oh, and if the Twi-hard in the story sounds too crazy, remember that a girl was beaten up by her friends in Conneticut because she didn't enjoy Twilight.**

**Enjoy! Read & Review!**

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**Dracula Vs the Sparkly Fairy**

A sinister smile spread across Count Dracula's handsome face as he neared his prey's bed. She was still pure and practically radiated innocence with every drowsy exhale. Part of him wished to savour her terror before he killed her, relish the racing of her pounding heart. The practical side of him quickly quenched his cruel desire- killing her in her sleep would ensure that she would not scream.

As he took the final step towards her and his hand reached out for the pearly-white skin of her neck, he stood on something that squeaked.

_Damn it!_ he cursed himself. How could he have made such a blunder? He glanced at the fluffy teddy bear which he assumed had fallen from the girls grasp before glancing back up at her waking form. Now she would scream and he would have to transform into bat-form while diving out the window…

She yawned and stretched like a cat, which gave him a nice view of her ample cleavage. He chided himself, _Focus, Vladislaus!_

As she opened her eyes, she blinked in an attempt to banish sleep from her vision. When her eyes fell on him, they widened in what he interpreted as fear.

He was mistaken.

She squealed excitedly, enveloped him in a fierce hug and wrapped her legs around his waist. He was too shocked to move. He couldn't quite wrap his head around what was happening. Some girls welcomed him into their beds, but NEVER had he received such a warm welcome. She was treating him like some sort of Prince Charming.

His train of thought came to a halt when he noticed that her body had stiffened. _Ah, delayed reaction. She'll start shaking in terror any second now…._

She drew back from him and looked him in the eye.

"OMG! You're not Edward!"

_Who? Just play along and maybe she'll stay calm._

"Um…I'm a close friend of Edward's…he sent me in his place."

The excuse sounded pathetic but she seemed all too eager to believe him.

"Oh cool! Any friend of the Cullen's is a friend of mine! Come here and snuggle with me." She patted the bed suggestively.

_Yes!_ Willing prey? Life didn't get much better. He moved on top of her and pushed her back against the pillows. As he leaned in for a kiss he was met with an unexpected reaction.

"Woah! WTF? You're not meant to have sex with me!"

"But you just said-"

"Never mind that! I'm meant to beg for sex and you're meant to refuse! Okay let's try again."

He was completely baffled. He tried to make sense of her words as she cleared her throat.

"I love you so much my sparkly marble angel. Let's make love, I'm tired of waiting!" As she uttered these words she moved his right hand to one of her breasts. Needing no more encouragement, he squeezed.

She slapped him hard. "What the hell? You're meant to say, "No my love, I could smush you!" Hasn't Edward taught you anything?"

Dracula both feared for himself and the girl's sanity. "Uhh…he wasn't very clear on this matter…."

She rolled her eyes and offered him a strained smile. "Alright, I'll give you one last chance to prove yourself. Otherwise, you're sleeping on the floor for the rest of the night."

He gulped despite himself. The girl's lack of sanity made her actions unpredictable. He was scared, not that he'd ever admit to it.

The girl swept back her long curls, revealing a milky-white neck. He began to salivate. Her husky whisper almost sent him over the edge as she whispered, "Bite me, make it a slow process so that the ecstasy lasts for days…"

With that, he bent his head to the side and tilted forward as his fangs elongated…

The next thing he knew, he was on the floor. The girl was looking down at him, her arms crossed and vexation radiating from her.

"We'll talk about this in the morning." She turned around and flumped down into her comfy bed all the while muttering, "Of all the sexy vampires, I had to get a broken, middle-aged looking one…."

His eyes blurred with anger. Who did this little girl think she was? More importantly, did she not realise who she was dealing with? He could snap her neck and be gone in a flash if he wished it. The ignorant little trollop! Yet…he was curious to find out more about this Edward fellow. Was he a serious threat to him? Did he reside locally? From her description of him, Edward sounded prude, virtuous and very womanish. He would take it upon himself to put an end to him. Unfortunately, this meant having to put up with the mad girl, who was now sleeping soundly.

_The ends justify the means,_ he thought as he gritted his teeth and tried to make himself comfortable on the hard floor.

_The following morning….._

"Aaagh!"

The Count leapt to his feet as he felt flames licking at his back. He threw off his cape and rolled it on the floor in order to smother the licking orange fingers.

Once his panic had subsided, he glanced up. The girl was standing at her window. Had she…had she just pulled back the curtain? What kind of simpering moron was she?! He could have been fried! At least she had pulled it back in time once she had seen his cloak catch fire. For that much, he was grateful.

The girl looked bored and disappointed. She turned from him without uttering a word of greeting or apology and headed for her door. Again, he heard her muttering to herself. "He doesn't even _sparkle."_

As she went downstairs she didn't bother to close the door to her room. He guessed correctly that she was the only person in the house. _Her parents must be at work…_

He turned his attention to her bookcase. He was curious as to what sorry excuse for literature had polluted her young mind. He wanted a better idea of her before he started to interrogate her about the strange and mysterious Edward.

One book caught his eye. The cover art was interesting. There was an apple cupped in the palms of someone's hands. He wasn't sure what to make of it, so he proceeded to read the blurb. _Edward Cullen!_ Could this possibly be the beloved Edward of his prey?

Being a vampire had certain advantages-among them, being able to read at super speed. He had the book-Twilight-consumed within the hour. And what a load of tripe it was. It was like reading a Mills & Boon novel except there was no sex! It was a twelve year olds romantic fantasy. As if she wanted to combine a sparkling pony with Prince Charming to create the perfect love interest. He was disgusted. The vampire was meant to be menacing and seductive, not a vegetarian, sparkling fairy! As for Bella…she made his brides seem independent. Never before had he been so infuriated by a novel's heroine. She was desperate, needy and shallow.

He marched downstairs to find the mad girl. Thankfully she had the sense to keep the curtains drawn. Her look of disdain for him changed to a bright smile as she saw the book in his hand.

"Oh, thank God! Maybe now you'll know how to act like a _real _vampire. The only problem now is your eyes. They are the most hideous blue I have ever seen. They're _meant_ to be honey, topaz, golden, butterscotch. Well, what did you think of the masterpiece? Are you ready for the sequels?"

_There are more?!_ a horrified voice screamed in his head. No…no, this could not be! Well, he had to give his honest opinion so the unhealthy sway the book had on her would be broken. He took a deep breath.

"It's teen angst and lust coated in abstinence, coated in misogynistic undertones, coated in shit, coated in sparkles!"

A pregnant silence filled the air. To Dracula's horror the girl's eyes didn't fill with understanding. Instead they flared with an irrepressible rage.

"You…you didn't like it? That's not possible. It's even better than Shakespeare…"

Dracula longed to correct her but was too scared of her reaction. He took a step back and immediately regretted the movement. Her eyes locked on his and they glowed with murderous bloodlust. She reached into the sink and withdrew a knife. A _sharp_ knife.

"_Twilight_ is the best romance novel ever written. It's beautiful and poignant…not that I expect _you_ to understand." She was moving in on him, cornering him, like a cat toying with a mouse.

"You know…my best friend didn't care for _Twilight _either. So I stabbed her. She died and good riddance! People who can't appreciate art should be wiped from the face of the earth!"

She raised the butcher's knife above her head and prepared to sink it into his chest. With an inhumane screech of terror, Dracula flung himself out onto the street, bursting through the solid concrete wall of the kitchen. As his clothes began to burn, he flung himself down the nearest manhole and quenched the flames in the filthy water. Then he ran for his life, lest the murderous fanatic pursue him. When he had ran a mile, he stopped and attempted to gain control of himself once more.

He was mortified. He was the King of the Vampires and yet an obsessed teenage girl had managed to make him weak with terror! He came to the conclusion that he couldn't really blame her for her craziness. _Twilight_ was like a sickness that infected the mind and contaminated every functioning brain cell. No…the real culprit was the person whose name was printed on the book's cover.

He decided to pay Mrs. Meyer a visit.

Ooo

Stephanie Meyer sat at her desk, typing away happily on her laptop. She was finishing her latest draft of 'Midnight Sun'. She had made a very public flounce and refused to write anymore of it due to the first few chapters being leaked on the internet. It was all a rouse so that the copies would sell twice as fast when she finally decided to release it.

Her good mood was spoilt when a vampire burst through her window.

She immediately seized her laptop and held it to her chest as if it were as precious as a newborn baby.

"Who are you and what do you want?" she shouted.

"You are Stephanie Meyer, author of the Toilet series?" a husky Romanian accent tickled her ears.

"It's 'Twilight' and answer my question!" she protested passionately.

"My identity is insignificant! All you really need to know is that I'm a _real_ vampire. If you refuse to heed my advice, I will tear your throat out. I'm not your effeminate Edward. I won't braid your hair into plaits and compose meaningless love songs!"

"How dare you insult my work! It's good and clean and moral and there is no gratuitous sex!"

That sent him over the edge. He stormed towards her until they were almost touching. He roared into her face. "Gratuitous sex between two consenting teenagers is better than a controlling, possessive boyfriend and a pathetic girl! Also, imprinting is a paedophilia endorsement. You madam, sicken me! I command you, STOP WRITING THIS RUBBISH!"

She didn't flinch during his speech. She replied calmly, "I will never stop writing my own personal sexual fantasies and selling them for money. Don't even bother trying to make me."

He contemplated killing her. It was tempting. But it wouldn't solve anything. If anything, her books would end up selling even better. Then the perfect plan took shape. _Excellent Vladislaus!_ he commended his own genius.

On seeing the smile on his lips, she had the sense to look worried.

"We're going to take a little trip back in time," he whispered softly.

000

_June 2nd__ 2003 (The Birth Of Twilight)_

Stephanie Meyer woke up. The sunlight that crept in through her window had woken her. Bad timing. She had been in the middle of a wonderful dream. Something about a meadow and a sparkling….warlock? She couldn't remember clearly. She decided not to dwell on it and began preparing herself for the day ahead. Somewhere in the back of her mind she swore she heard a man laughing and herself crying in despair. She shrugged and got dressed**.**

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**Sooooo........Review?**


	2. Van Helsing vs the Sparkly Fairy

**Hey there. I randomly wrote this cos I was in a 'I love Hugh Jackman' kinda mood. Even though the last chapter took place in the real world, this chapter actually takes place in the Twilight/Van Helsing universe. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! Oh, and I kinda made Van Helsing a big player in this. He had so much potential in the movie but only Carl ended up getting any. Colour me confused. This takes place in New Moon when Bella is rushing to save Edward from sparkling in front of everyone.**

**Anyway, enjoy and read and review!**

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**Van Helsing vs. the Sparkly Fairy**

_Helena,_

_Thanks for the lovely lay. Rest assured, if my business takes me to Venice again I will most definitely look you up. Alas, for now we must part._

_May God watch over you and may your only demons be the horny ones that possess your wicked soul. Feel free to telegraph the Vatican if you need my assistance in removing them. I will be more than happy to oblige. The best way to rid yourself of temptation is to succumb to it totally. Oh, and perhaps I can wear my hat next time? Not that it doesn't suit you._

_Gaby Xxx_

Helena sighed wistfully as memories from the previous night consumed her thoughts. So skilled a lover was Gabriel Van Helsing that during her climax she swore she saw the face of God himself. She also learned seven new languages in that split second of joy but they all evaporated as she came down from the peak of her rapture. She had ridden him like the untameable stallion that he was and when she collapsed in exhaustion he was always ready to go again….and when she awoke he was gone like a train in the night. Another sigh, full of longing escaped her full lips before she dressed and got on with the rest of her day, the memories of commingling flesh putting an obvious spring in her step.

_Meanwhile in Volterra, Italy…_

Van Helsing galloped through the mid-morning traffic with ease on his stallion Vladdykins. He paid no notice to the angry drivers who honked angrily at him to "GET OFF THE FUCKING ROAD!!!" If they were women he could usually calm them with a seductive wink and a wave anyway. This also happened to calm some of the angry male drivers, who on realising how attracted they were to this mysterious stranger, hung their heads in embarrassment.

The famed demon hunter and woman satisfier was en route to the Vatican where he would be informed of his next impending mission. His life as a vanquisher of evil was a lonely one and he often felt the need to let off some steam. This usually involved vigorous sex. It wasn't just for his own personal benefit. He loved giving pleasure to women. In his line of work he was often looked upon as something evil, something disgusting. He sometimes felt that people stared at him as if he were a giant dog turd planning world domination. However, when he was almost knee-deep inside a woman and her eyes shone with ecstasy and adoration, he felt like a man again. A damn fine one at that.

His innermost thoughts were interrupted by a gaggle of giggling girls who were standing in the middle of Palazzo dei Priori. As he strode closer they turned their attention to him and wolf whistled before gathering in a unanimous chorus of "Take it Off! Take it off! Take it off!…"

Van Helsing sighed to himself, a slight tortured look on his ruggedly handsome face. _Oh, the trials and tribulations one must undergo when one is undeniably irresistible._ He sighed forlornly once again before halting Vladdykins, jumping off and shedding his coat and shirt, much to the girls' unanimous delight. Vladdykins neighed disapprovingly. The hunter ignored him.

"Shut up Vlad! You're just jealous of my rockin' bod!"

The Palazzo was packed with people. All of them, men and women, squealed in anticipation as Van Helsing began to dance. Somewhere nearby, someone with a stereo turned on Justin Timberlake's 'SexyBack'.

_Oh yeah, work it baby_, Van Helsing thought as he strutted his stuff confidently. A crowd had begun to form around the writhing sex machine and the hunter was soon assaulted with thongs and other lingerie, while the fans screamed and applauded.

Just as someone started to spray Van Helsing with champagne, the music was cut off. The assembled audience's cheering turned into booing as they searched for the offending buzz killer.

Van Helsing tucked his champagne-soaked hair behind his ears just in time to see an extremely sweaty individual shoving his way through the crowd. He blinked. No, that couldn't possibly be right._ Was that guy…sparkling?_

"Hey! Who the hell do you think you are? You can't start lap dancing during my public suicide!"

Van Helsing did a double take. Why was this giant tinkerbell talking to him? Was he going crazy? Had Helena, that fiery minx, spiked his drink last night and this was some sort of delayed reaction?

He shook his head in disbelief before replying, "Dude, go find that Christmas tree you fell from! And what kind of freak organises a public suicide?"

The bronze haired, golden eyed emo narrowed his eyes at him. "Wait a sec…do I know you from somewhere?"

Van Helsing shifted uncomfortably before realising that he had nothing to be ashamed of. "I am Gabriel Van Helsing, monster killer and indulger of horniness! Cower before my notable slaying skills and renowned sexual prowess!" He flexed his muscles then to get his point across. Some men ran in fear, some bowed. Some women looked aroused, while others fainted._ Aww yeah. Beat that Sparkly!_

The puny, fairy-like creature paused for dramatic effect before flexing his barely there biceps and proclaiming, "I am Edward Cullen, 108 year old virgin, Volvo and Bella Swan owner!"

Silence reigned and even though they were in the north of Italy, a tumbleweed rolled by.

Van Helsing coughed as the crowd started to disperse._ Meh, this party is so over thanks to this glittery buzz kill. I might as well keep going back to the armoury. Wait til Carl hears about this weirdo…_

He was about to slip on his trench coat and mount Vlad when he felt sparkles on his shoulder.

"Mr. Van Helsing…aren't you going to kill me?"

_Say what?_

"Why would I waste my time, killing a mentally impaired butterfly?"

The creature fluttered slightly in the breeze before running a hand through his reddish brown hair. Sparkly dandruff snowed down onto the ground. "Because I'm a menace to society! I'm a vampire!"

Van Helsing just stared. When he realised that the twinkling one was telling the truth he burst out laughing. He laughed so hard that he had to lean against Vladdykins for support. By this point the stallion was sharing in the joke and was laughing too.

"Bwahahahahaha! What do you do? Drain helpless bottles of ketchup for sustenance?" he shot between gasps of mirth. When he was fully recovered and the pains in his stomach had finally subsided, he turned his attention back to the deluded thing.

"Don't you know who rules this city? The Volturi? They're vampire _royalty_. I'm exactly like them. The same rules apply," Edward was offended.

"The Volturi are _not_ vampire royalty. An old frenemy of mine? _He_ was vampire royalty. The Volturi are a bunch of corrupt albino cannibals and to give credit where it's due they are only like you in appearance. In capabilities, they are far more badass."

The fairy ignored his final statement and dropped to his knees in front of the hunter.

"Woah, listen Sullen, I don't swing that way…"

"I'm not offering you _that!_ Sex is immoral and wrong anyways. Well, since you foiled my perfectly planned out suicide, I think the least you could do would be to kill me. Come on, you can just _feel_ the evil emanating from my Adonis-like body!"

Van Helsing groaned, he was losing his patience.

"Edward, is it? You're practically a nun! I'm not gonna waste my time on you. Why do you wanna die anyway?"

A tear escaped from the boy's eye. "One of my properties has been lost forever!"

"Your Volvo?"

"My Bella!"

Had he heard him right? Had he just referred to his girlfriend as a possession? No self-respecting woman would take that kind of bullshit from a man…or in this case, a sad excuse for a man.

"She was everything to me! My emo Barbie doll to dress and play with! Someone I could control completely! Someone I could toy with emotionally and exert so much power over that she all but collapsed when I left! She was the feeble lamb to my sparkling pony! But she's thrown herself off a cliff! How will I go on without someone to bully and shit on?!" he sobbed into his hands.

Van Helsing was appalled. This guy was pathetic…maybe he should…no. He may have been a misogynist and a disgrace to the male sex, but he wasn't a monster. It was not the hunter's place to kill him.

"_Van Helsing! Van Helsing! Van Helsing!"_ shouted Van Helsing's conscience from somewhere deep inside of him(who sounds exactly like Carl by the way).

"What?" he bit off, feeling tired and pissed off with how the day was turning out.

"_I have the perfect solution!"_

As imaginary Carl revealed his plan, a smile started to play on Van Helsing's very kissable lips.

00ooo000oo

"Gee, thanks Van Helsing! I sure do appreciate this!" an ecstatic Edward Cullen proclaimed as the hunter tied the last balloon to the "vampire's" leg.

"No problem, tinkerbell. Have a nice vacation in the sky!"

"Will do! Hey, are you always this popular?" he asked as the Palazzo had started to fill once more with curious onlookers.

"Pretty much."

Both men nodded at one another as Van Helsing let go of Edward's shoulder and he started to float upwards into the sky. Everybody cheered as the overgrown Christmas tree decoration started to get smaller as he faded into the distance.

"EDWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" a whiny, annoying voice screamed.

Van Helsing turned to find a sleep deprived brunette with manic depressive eyes staring tearfully into the sky.

_Oooops…my bad._

"BELLA!!! My little lamb!" the fading voice shrieked.

"I love you Edward! I will never forget all those times you braided my hair and let me talk to my friends even though they're bad for me! I will never stop loving you! I will carve a mural of our love on the inside of my wrists! I will starve myself and go cliff-diving until I HEAR YOUR VELVETY VOICE OF PERFECTION INSIDE MY HEAD AGAIN!"

By this time, Edward was nothing more than a glistening wink in the sky.

"Yeah, sorry about that," Van Helsing added awkwardly once Bella broke down in tears. "If you want, I could-"

"Don't fucking touch me!"

_Little bitch._

"You know, if you hadn't been so clumsy you probably would have made it here in time, so don't blame me you little brat!"

Bella sniffled and looked up into his eyes. "You're mean!…I like it!"

With that Van Helsing mounted Vladdykins and hightailed it out of there. A screeching Bella followed until she fell and broke her nose.

_Later that night_

Bella Swan sat in the Palazzo dei Priori singing softly to herself. Out of the corner of her eye, a star shone extra bright and she realised that just because Edward wasn't within her reach, it didn't mean that he couldn't monitor, dictate andcontrol her from outer space. Their bond was something that could never be broken. To herself she sang softly, "_Look at the stars, look how they shine for you…."_

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**I apologize to Coldplay for letting the glorious lyrics of 'Yellow' fall from Bella's pouty lips.....review?xxx**


	3. The Friar vs the Sparkly Fairies

**Hey whoever is reading this. First things first-this particuliar chapter is similiar in tone to 'Van Helsing The London Assignment' the official prequel to the movie so I highly recommend that if you haven't seen it already. It's up on YouTube in four different parts FYI. Most of the interaction between Van Helsing and Carl in this is similiar to that.**

**Oh and incase anyone is looking for insane amounts of Twilight bashing this really only has a sprinkle of it. The rest is pretty Bromance heavy. I dedicate this chapter to Carl because he often gets forgotten in this fandom although he is awesome.**

**Oh and the idea to use the sunshine contraption somehow came from TheEvilMuffinToaster. Thanks a bunch!**

**Enjoy!**

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**Dracula vs. the Sparkly Fairy**

**Chapter 3- The Friar vs. the Sparkly Fairy**

"…and why exactly can't _you_ be the demon bait? You're built better than I am and have far better dancing skills," Carl huffed as Gabriel Van Helsing continued trying to fix the friar's hair.

"Shouldn't you have a bald spot?"

"Friar loophole," Carl protested.

Van Helsing just smiled at him.

"There seem to be a lot of special rules for you, Carl. There-_Voila!_" the hunter admired the results of his hairstyling abilities.

"Let me see! Let me see!" Carl begged.

Van Helsing obliged by handing him a small pocket mirror.

"Pfff! I look like a preening chicken!" he complained.

"Sounds like perfect bait material to me," Van Helsing winked at him as he turned and began walking to his hiding place on the opposite side of the dance floor.

"L-let's go over the plan one more time," Carl squeaked nervously.

Van Helsing rolled his eyes but cooperated. He gestured vaguely to the ostentatious Vilkova Palace which was situated on the opposite side of a graveyard to their left.

"Some new all-powerful Vampire King is celebrating All Hallows Eve in my old friend's summer palace. We are going to attempt to lure the "guests" over here where _we_ meaning _you _will enthrall them with your newly honed dancing skills. We get as many of them in here as possible and then we unleash your synthetic sunlight contraption," the hunter reached into his trench coat pocket and withdrew said device, a wicked smile spreading across his handsome face.

"None of that specifically explains why you couldn't use a woman for this-"

"Oh Carl, maybe I needed a fellow man of God at my side," he said, only half jokingly.

"I know you showed me certain "moves" but I am a friar and I have very limited experience when it comes to thrusting-" he was cut off by his friend's loud guffaw.

"That's certainly not the impression you left on that pretty barmaid in Vaseria. She had complete confidence in your thrusting abilities."

Before Carl could protest any further, Van Helsing raised his hand to signal for silence.

"Enough bickering, as soon as this music starts blaring I want to see you dancing and don't want to hear _another word."_

With that, Van Helsing selected a song from his iPod and turned up the volume of the speakers which the device was connected to. He smirked at his selection of music before gently squeezing open a panel on the wall and sliding inside the alcove there which just managed to allow him to breathe. Having such an astounding package wasn't easy.

Van Helsing could see Carl but Carl couldn't see him. Left alone in the abandoned nightclub aside from the blaring noise of Lady Gaga's 'Lovegame' was easily the most humiliating thing to happen so far this decade.

Putting all his insecurities aside, Carl began to move to the beat, hesitantly at first but within moments he couldn't suppress his body's desires any longer and devoted himself to the task at hand completely.

He shimmied, bent, wobbled and erm, thrusted until he began to perspire. He knew he didn't look completely ridiculous as he wasn't wearing his usual friar garb. Instead he wore a pair of skinny jeans and a brightly coloured shirt. He had felt self-conscious about the choice of trousers initially as they weren't very flattering but Van Helsing had assuaged these worries by assuring him that he had great legs. That sentence had made him feel mildly uncomfortable, but he just shrugged it off. He was a heterosexual male and secure in his masculinity.

His moves became more adventurous. His manoeuvres turned bold and daring. He felt like he never did when he was being overshadowed by Van Helsing- like a walking orgasm.

The room suddenly felt cold to his soaked with sweat skin but he dismissed it as a draught coming from some faraway corner of the building. Only when he heard a wolf whistle did he completely break out of his frenzied trance. This was why he didn't dance whenever Van Helsing asked him to accompany him! He took leave of his senses and acted irrationally.

He looked up and his jaw slackened automatically. At the main entrance were at least two dozen beautiful vampire women, staring at him like he was well, prey. He gulped in both fear and excitement. He knew these creatures were evil but his body wasn't filled with the same conviction. Still pumped up from the dancing, his body wasn't strictly under his control.

Without breaking eye contact with the ravishing creature in front of the…(school?pack?pride?) of vampires, Carl took one step backwards from their animalistic leers only to find himself leaning back into another beautiful woman. She bit at his ear playfully and licked at a drop of sweat that had been running down his throat all the while, the others began to circle him…

The woman behind him forced her fingers beneath his chin and brought his gaze to hers. Her eyes were the most ethereal green he had ever born witness to and her hair was a breathtaking hue of auburn. She licked her ruby red lips in anticipation before bending her head down to his neck again. He closed his eyes and felt the ticklish sensation of her fangs grazing the skin, felt her full breasts digging into his back….

"Sorry to interrupt, ladies," Van Helsing deadpanned. Carl's eyes shot open in…regret? In the split second before the magnificent light engulfed the room Carl savoured the feel of the woman pressed against his back and the others staring at him with equal amounts of carnal desire and bloodlust.

Then, in a flash of blinding illumination and banshee like screams they were gone. Without the woman-_thing _he mentally corrected himself- at his back Carl almost toppled to the floor. Luckily, his partner was there to catch him. Although he knew he was meant to feel grateful and relieved(and he _did_ to a certain extent) Carl couldn't helped being peeved at Van Helsing. He grunted something unintelligible.

"What are you mad about now?" Van Helsing grunted in response.

"You could have waited until-"

"Until what? Until they killed you?" there was a hint of laughter in his voice now.

"….until they got a proper taste of me!"

Van Helsing patted Carl on the back sympathetically.

"Never fall for a vampire Carl, they play with their food too much and while the food may enjoy the being played with, it's still just a meal. You know what we should do to celebrate this successful mission?"

"Yes?"

"Strip club."

"Gabriel, that's demeaning to women!"

"Hey, hey, hey! I _too _am in that line of business so what does that make me? Am I demeaning the male sex?"

"N-no, that's completely different because you're a man," Carl spluttered.

"Aha! I think you'll find that you are the sexist one Carl!"

The two were chuckling to themselves when something became apparent to them- random people were walking into the abandoned club and surrounding them.

"What is this? A lynch mob? Because I've seen mobs a lot more threatening than this in my time-," Van Helsing was cut off by an approaching woman.

"Would you please just…turn that light on again? We're vampires and we love the sun!"

"Erm…okay," Van Helsing said, trying to hide the fact that he was completely weirded out.

He pushed the small button on the lava contraption and it lit up once again, but instead of killing the self proclaimed "vampires" it merely made them glisten and sparkle like diamonds. They all giggled excitedly, their eyes started to glaze over and they moved towards the two men, intent on capturing the little ball of sun.

"They must be some sort of fairies," Carl whispered.

Van Helsing nodded silently, weighing the ball in his hands, not wanting to hand it over but truly not caring enough about these obviously harmless creatures to fight for it.

As if reading his thoughts Carl offered the perfect solution. "I have more of them, you can hand this one over."

With that Van Helsing threw the little circular contraption to his left and both men watched, amusedly as the dozens of "vampires" chased after it like dogs chasing after chewy toys. Or perhaps more appropriately, like moths to a flame.

Evil vanquished and idiocy indulged for the evening, the two friends went dancing for the rest of the night. Carl was given ample opportunity to show off his thrusting abilities both on the dance floor and off it. Van Helsing was proud. His little friar was finally growing up.

* * *

**Hope that wasn't too random and that you all enjoyed the...thrusting, ehem! Review!=)**


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